Clay

[ultraviolet9a]

>> Clay

 

TITLE: Clay

AUTHOR: ultraviolet9a
SPOILER: Spoilers for In My Time of Dying and onwards.

GENRE: Gen.

CHARACTERS: John Winchester, Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester (mentions of Wee!chesters too.)

SUMMARY: “There are two secrets John hands down.” And lots of clay. Obviously.

RATING: Easy on the rating. Just has the occasional cuss. PG-13.
FEEDBACK: Dude…duh. 
DISCLAIMER: I.want.to.own.John.Winchester. I’ll gladly settle for any of his sons if he’s unavailable. And then I wake up. Every time. (i.e. I own none of it. Except the plot bunnies.)

NOTE: *shrug* It’s all JD Morgan’s and Kripke’s fault. Really.

 

Behold as the clay is in the potter’s hand,

so are ye in mine hand

(Jer. 18, 6)

 

 

There are two secrets John hands down right before he dies. One, he whispers in Dean’s ear. The other he writes down in a careful letter and tucks it in Sam’s bag, satisfied that he’ll definitely see it and not lose it.

 

Then he leaves the gun as agreed, goes back to his room and falls on the floor as the world loses colour and substance.

 

John dies.

 

****

 

Dean remembers the exact moment he realized that mommy was gone. It wasn’t when the fire broke out and wrapped up their life in flames. It wasn’t when he was huddled with Sammy in a bed that wasn’t theirs, falling asleep to the sound of their father choking his sobs.

 

Dean realized how reality had changed, when mom didn’t show up to bathe him nor Sammy, and it was his father’s hands that lathered and soaped and rinsed his sons’ bodies.

 

And it wasn’t as if daddy had never given them a bath before, or stayed by their side, as he let them splish splash in a half full bathtub with toy submarines and boats and rubber ducks, gently holding Sammy who was too young to be trusted alone.

 

It was how there were no rubber ducks the first weeks, and no soft fluffy towels that smelt of lavender or ocean breeze, and there was no laughter in their father and no wishy washy song.

 

Their life changed, and so did their father, and soon Dean was able to wash all by himself, and as time passed he was the one to help Sammy wash up when dad would be gone for days.

 

Dean and Sam have memories of dad coming back covered in scratches and bruises, and caked blood and ash and mud and dirt, and then disappearing in the shower and the water running for a long time.

 

They have memories (though fewer of them) of dad returning late at nights when he thought they were asleep, and there was a sickly sweet perfume trailing in the atmosphere after him, and cigarette smoke, and alcohol. There would be no mud or dirt or blood on him, nor bruises (except sometimes on his throat), but still he would go in the shower and the water would run even longer, and the next day dad would be more…loose somehow.

 

Till the next hunt.

 

****

 

“I’ll do it,” Dean says. “No one else touches him.”

 

“But…” the nurse says and then Dean looks at her, and what his eyes are telling her is not that all hell is about to break loose if they don’t comply to his wishes, but that hell is a walk in the park compared to the darkness and hollowed out stare he has to offer.

 

“I’ll do it,” Dean says again, and the nurse nods.

 

****

Dean remembers that one time when he managed to fall in poison ivy, and his arms and legs were all swollen and stung like hell, and dad had filled the bathtub with lukewarm water and had let him soak, providing some relief, and telling him stories about how in Africa or the jungle tribes would put a special sort of mud on them when they were stung by poison, and how the cool clay would bring relief.

 

He remembers that time dad was gone and Sammy was groaning in his sleep and Dean woke up and Sam was burning, burning up, and all Dean could think of was to let cold water fill the tub and sink Sam in it and dad had returned the moment he was about to phone for a doctor, but dad had taken them both straight to the hospital, and he had hugged Dean and told him he had done well, and then had fallen asleep with his head on Sam’s bed, and Dean leaning against him.

 

The water now is cold to lukewarm too, but nothing is well about it, and there is a strange reversal of roles. He doesn’t look at Sam, but can see his hands combined with his going over their father’s body, washing him, cleaning him up, and if there’s a sob stuck in Sam’s throat too, he doesn’t show it.

 

Dean’s fingers comb through John’s hair, over and over again, trail over his face, the softer skin of his shoulders and chest, memorizing the feeling. He is cold and rigid, and it matches Dean’s feelings.

 

Dean remembers how many times either he or Sam or Dad would come back hurt and dirty from a hunt, and how each one would leave himself to the others’ hands with no shame.

 

He thinks his father would have liked and understood what Dean and Sam are doing now, and how it’s not about repaying the favour, but about trust and bonds of family and warriors.

 

Dean and Sam give their father his last bath, and don’t realize how some of the water falling over him on the coroner’s table is salty and falling from their eyes.

 

****

 

Dean thinks the knowledge his father has left him with weighs as much as the whole world. Sam knows that the secret dad left for him is even harder, because he has to hide it from Dean. But he tries to follow through.

 

After Dean sets fire to their father, after John Winchester is nothing more than ash and Dean leaves broken, Sam gathers up as much of the ash as he can. He realizes that John trusted him with this duty, because he knew Dean, and didn’t want to break him any more.

 

****

 

“The demon… Sam…” John whispers in Dean’s ear. It is a heavy secret, but John needs a safety net just in case…just in case he’s wrong.

 

Do you remember your folklore? The story about Phyrra and Deucalion? About Adam and Eve? What do you know about golems, Sammy? What do you think you know? John writes somewhere in his letter. Then are runes and complicated pentagrams and incantations and instructions, in John’s methodical step by step approach, and John thinks as he calmly writes, that this secret is even heavier, and has only one shot. And no safety net.

 

****

 

There are all sort of crazy thoughts passing through Dean’s head. He remembers the mud pies he was baking with all the pretty girls in kindergarten. He remembers the little gingerbread men mom made when Christmas was near, and sometimes only because Dean would ask her to, watching her shape and decorate and bake them.

 

He thinks that similar crazy and irrelevant thoughts are passing through his brother’s head, and he’s right for the most part. At the moment Sam has a memory flash through his mind, of him joining one of Jess’ pottery classes she was attending when they had first started dating, and how her hands shaped the clay, and how cold the clay was to the touch.

 

This clay is warm, as hot water falls on it lending it warmth for a moment before it dissolves it in big pieces that slide to reveal warm flesh, and for a moment both brothers have the same memory, of that time when they had gone to the playground after the rain had fallen and they started playing mud war and they came home looking like little chocolate men and dad had put them both under the shower and scrubbed and soaped and rinsed till they were clean again.

 

So now, heart beating loudly, and breathing fast, agony and hope as tight a blend as earth and water mixed to mud, they’re returning the favour.

 

They wash clay off.  Wash it off, and watch the new so familiar shape come to life, like a newborn, naked, disoriented and confused, but it’s John coming out under that clay shell alright, it’s John Winchester, and Dean and Sam wash off the clay that has brought their father back.

 

-The End.

 

SIDENOTE: I think I might have mentioned before that I’m absolutely obsessed with getting John back. *cough* I can’t help it. I can’t. It’s John Winchester’s fault. Totally.

Comments

[princess-gicky.livejournal.com]

Cool! I so totally loved that fic! It was awesome. I loved how the flash backs and brief glimpses into their childhood. I also loved the concept of John returning - i haven't read a fic like that before! Well done!

Can't wait to read more from you!

-nix

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

I also loved the concept of John returning-i haven't read a fic like that before! *grins* getting-John-back? Kind of a hobby here. Pretty obvious, no? I think i got at least 3 more stories here dealing with different ways of how he gets back, so yeah, i can support my claim of being obsessed with it.

[embroiderama]

Oh, wow, yes! They should absolutely bring him back just like this. Your imagery of the various times of them washing each other is beautiful.

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

I blame my (classical amongst others) education for those images. :) In Homer cleaning the body of your dead (if memory serves) is part of the mourning ritual and it somehow...stuck.

And hey, they can bring him back any way they want, provided they do! :)

Thank you so much for commenting!

[pyrebi.livejournal.com]

Wow. Loved it. Beautiful imagery, and the story itself was delightful. It was all so symbolic, and I admit that I started absolutely freaking out over this piece by the time Sam and Dean were washing the corpse. I never even really considered that they had to get John from the hospital to the pyre, and that was so heartbreakingly intimate.

I've got this huge lump in my throat that won't go away. That was a masterful bit of writing. Thank you so much for sharing.

[agent-of-kaos.livejournal.com]

omg...if only...

lovely imagry of Dean and Sam washing John's body ...and the details of the back story...I'd be more coherent if I could see through my damn tears

[bluesister.livejournal.com]

Yay for your obsession! Whatever it takes.

hollowed out stare
I don't think I've heard the blank, heavy lidded, 100-yard stare described like that but, yes. Exactly.

[tabaqui]

Oh, i love that. From the bath time changes that more than anything told Dean his mother was gone to the giving-up of themselves to the others when they were hurt after a hunt...to John''s desperate cleansings after going out and finding someone for just an hour or two...

And most especially, Sam and Dean washing the body, making him ready...
*sniffle*

And then bringing him *back*, oh jayzus... That never goes well but it's so damn perfect, all this washing that is regenerative until the final one which really *is*....

Lovely.

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

Oh that was just soooooo good!

He thinks his father would have liked and understood what Dean and Sam are doing now, and how it’s not about repaying the favour, but about trust and bonds of family and warriors.

The whole washing theme was so beautifully tied together in that scene. And the part about the trust and bonds of family and warriors... Just dead-on. If the Winchesters aren't warriors of old, then I don't know who else could be! ;)

I'm in COMPLETE agreement with your sidenote! And I love that icon! YesSIR, indeed! ;)

A wonderful story and that would've been such a fitting way to bring John back! (And they need to bring John back! *nods emphatically* ;) )

[tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com]

that's actually kind of creepy. i really like the running theme of water and washing off and being clean, and all dean's memories of baths, but man, maybe i have a dimmer view of golems, because my first reaction was "that's not john." or not quite john. i really like it, tho - i didn't see the end coming, and i think it's a really interesting way to bring john back.

[dodger-winslow.livejournal.com]

blink

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I think I

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love you.

blink blink blink

[gelliaclodiana]

Ok, the scene where they bathe John's body broke me, but then you made it better by mirroring that with the golem, and washing off the clay, and finding John again. The physical details just keep this rooted. But this line still hurts, even knowing what's coming:

Dean and Sam give their father his last bath, and don’t realize how some of the water falling over him on the coroner’s table is salty and falling from their eyes.

Nice work.

[smilla02.livejournal.com]

And to think that just a moment ago was thinking if someone has yet wrote a fic where the boys bring John back! So yay! And you do it with such elegance and the imagery you use is fantastic. Thanks for sharing.

Oh...

[noirbabalon.livejournal.com]

I so want to comment about this piece, and not only because the boys taking care of John is so much the privilege of family, but I really can not put into words yet what my reaction to this story is.

Way, way personal.

Thank you.

[daydream03.livejournal.com]

words are gone. all I'm left with is *wow*

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your kind words!
And yes, I think "intimate" is indeed the right word (than hadn't occured to me till you mentioned it, so thanks for pointing that out). I think if this was a movie it'd have a lot of close-ups and zoom-ins, if that makes any sense.

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you so, so much!

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Yay for your obsession! Whatever it takes. And you're just feeding it right now! Thank you so much! :)

blank, heavy lidded, 100-yard stare I kind of like this description even better. *wow* It's too good to be kept outside a fic!

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

It's some everyday rituals that we don't really notice that make all the difference sometimes, aren't they?

And yei! Bringing him back!

Thank you so much for stopping by here! i'm so happy that you liked it!

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Yes, they are warriors.

Yes, everything is totally John Winchester's fault. (And am glad you liked my icon).

Yes, they need to bring John back. Not fair making us all whee over him and then taking away our eye candy. *pout*

And...thank you. So, so much for your lovely comment.

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, i know the actual lore about golems, so i know what you mean about creepy and dimmer view, but i thought, well, Kripke tinkered with the lore of vampires doing away with sth traditional like stakes. So.
Why shouldn't i tinker a bit with the idea of "golems" and other myths similar to that? :) It is for a noble cause!

(so in this fic, no worries, that's john alright. I think. *tries to kill down the plot bunny you triggered with a sequel of a not happy ending variety cuz angst can be fun but i want happy right now* :) )

Thank you so much for your comment! and the fresh perspective on it!

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

*grin* Love you too!

Am really, really happy that you liked the story (even though you don't like John and all that. *cough*)

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

I wanted to thread the whole bathing theme into the story, so am happy the mirroring worked on the two major scenes. And yeah, it is kind of physical, because trust and love and birth and death are physical too, so the clay and the earth and the water (both bathing and tears) kind of...add to that.

Thank you so much for your words! *hug*

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your lovely comment!

Guess my timing for the bringing-John-back fic was spot on! :) (i think that's the third way/fic in which i bring him back. And i still got more plot bunnies about just.the same.theme. *bangs head on keyboard*)

Re: Oh...

[ultraviolet9a.livejournal.com]

I think the "way, way personal" has got you covered! :) Thank you so much!

And it's just that, exactly that, the bonds of family and the intimacy of it and the privilege and responsibility.