ultraviolet9a (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ultraviolet9a) wrote2009-03-09 08:09 pm
ultraviolet9a) wrote2009-03-09 08:09 pm
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So...
... I passed by an accident on my way home. It was a head on collision thing, ambulances all around, saw a guy on the ground and... man... i tried catching the local news but so far I came up with zilch. I so hope everyone is alright. I mean, I had a really good teaching day today, i was singing as i was driving back and suddenly i came across this and my knees got weak and shit, people. Shit. I just hope this people are alright. *sigh*
I don't know what else to tell you. It's been a weird day. I saw this commercial where there is this grandpa and his grandson, something about bonding and chocolate and pretty boats in a greek island, and i realized i miss my grandpa. He died way back in '88 when i was still young but i miss him. I was loved by him and it was palpable. I still got my granny left, and that's grand, but i miss grandpa too. And i know i've been lucky, so lucky, i am being loved so much (and i love so much) my family, but it's just... i miss granpa. He had this dimple on his chin and he had careful moves and he used to pat my head and tease me and watch me play in the yard.
And just... who the fuck creates life when one is taking it away, huh? What kind of creator is that, if there is one? What kind of cosmic plan? Ta panda rei and all that shit that Heraclitus said, yeah, i know, what don't change dies, but even if it changes it dies anyway and i don't know. I wish i believed in afterlife, but i have a rough time believing and it makes it so... i don't know. On the one hand every little worry seems stupid, just stuuupid, and on the other you just... i can't deal with shit like that. Don't wanna deal with shit like that, don't want to think about the cosmic vastness because everything seems so small compared to that.
And my cousin is going to start chemo soon and it just... I don't know. It's just... weird brain chemistry today, is all.
I don't know what else to tell you. It's been a weird day. I saw this commercial where there is this grandpa and his grandson, something about bonding and chocolate and pretty boats in a greek island, and i realized i miss my grandpa. He died way back in '88 when i was still young but i miss him. I was loved by him and it was palpable. I still got my granny left, and that's grand, but i miss grandpa too. And i know i've been lucky, so lucky, i am being loved so much (and i love so much) my family, but it's just... i miss granpa. He had this dimple on his chin and he had careful moves and he used to pat my head and tease me and watch me play in the yard.
And just... who the fuck creates life when one is taking it away, huh? What kind of creator is that, if there is one? What kind of cosmic plan? Ta panda rei and all that shit that Heraclitus said, yeah, i know, what don't change dies, but even if it changes it dies anyway and i don't know. I wish i believed in afterlife, but i have a rough time believing and it makes it so... i don't know. On the one hand every little worry seems stupid, just stuuupid, and on the other you just... i can't deal with shit like that. Don't wanna deal with shit like that, don't want to think about the cosmic vastness because everything seems so small compared to that.
And my cousin is going to start chemo soon and it just... I don't know. It's just... weird brain chemistry today, is all.
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I'll be over there if you need to talk or whatever else.
♥
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ETA: Went away and thought about my granddads for a while. I miss them. Personally, I favor reincarnation. Or Valhalla. Not too wild about the Christian eternity, cause it sounds boring to me. I have no deep thoughts to offer you, except that if we didn't have loss and sadness, we'd take the happy times and good memories for granted, and not realize how precious they are.
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See, that's the thing. I used to say that i chose reincarnation cuz, you know, sounded fun, but... there's this reasonable aspect of me that refuses it. I think i'll start thinking that Death the way Pratchett presents it is the way to go.
I do agree with you, though. Remembering people you love, that nostalgic bitter sweet thing is of the good. What is left behind isn't enough, but it is behind, you know?
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i wish i had an answer for you. i think i believe in an afterlife. i want to at least.
and i wish your cousin all the luck.
*hearts you*
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Since neither of us have answers, i'm going to go and say that i believe in everything Terry Pratchett writes. It's very comforting. It beats my alternative, that there is nothing after death.
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I have never known either of my grandfathers; my paternal grandpa died when my dad was a child and my maternal grandpa a couple of years before I was born. The only memento I have of my paternal grandpa is my father and, morbid as it is, my grandfather's grave. I don't know what he looked like; they were poor and had no means of getting photographed for posterity. There was little story regarding him except that he had had several wives in succession and he was really old (in his seventies) when my father was born.
As for my maternal grandpa, I have photographs(none in my keeping) and stories of a big man, both in stature and heart. He was trained as a scholar but left his home in Java for a better life, even if it was back-breaking. He was gruff and kind, strict and gentle. I envied my sister for her tales of sitting on his lap with him telling her Javanese fairy-tales and how he would smile as she chattered on to him.
Thus, I too, envy you for your memories of your grandpa. I think it's lovely that you have such happy memories of him. Missing him is natural, and evidence of your love for him. That is what stays with you, even if he is physically no more.
I understand your difficulty in understanding and accepting a Creator who would give and yet take away, not to mention the mysterious cosmic plan that seems cruel and senseless. But do consider that with gifts such as health, wealth and people (family & friends) to enjoy, there must be thankfulness. It doesn't come randomly; otherwise everyone who smokes would be stricken with cancer. Gifts and losses are necessary for us grow as a person, to be better and to continue to give to other people in thankfulness of what we do have.
As to the afterlife, it depends on what spiritual world view one holds to. Are we here simply to occupy space and spend time aimlessly? What is the point of existance? Worst case scenario would be contemplation that leads to the suicidal bear to blow the stuffing out of his head. But is it possible that we are here to, perhaps, touch someone in a positive manner and inject some positive energy in this world? And for someone who touches other lives every day in a positive manner the way you do, darling Vee, (not to mention your gifts of fics that you so very generously share with us), there is no shortage of positive energy that you exude, even during the days when things look so bleak.
Bleakness will fade, sweet Vee. Just hold on to the happy memories and when you next have some ouzo, lift a drink for your grandpa. I'm sure he would want you to recall him with joy and fondness.
*hugs Vee*
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I don't know about the rest. I'm kind of like Mulder, i want to believe, want it to make sense, but one part of me thinks everything, EVERYTHING is random. Coincidence and random-ity? Randomosity? Whatever the hell that's called. Because shit happens to both good and bad people, and well... ill fate is very democratic, isn't it? Doesn't discriminate. On the other hand, if random (biological etc) actions lead from bacteria to humanity/nature, then there is a miracle in this randomness too, yes?
So i do feel grateful for things, i do. It's tinged with fear, but it is gratefulness nonetheless.
Besides, Freddy Mercury had it pegged down, no? Show must go on. :)
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